Ray of Sunshine...pictures included:)

With our tax return money we bought a safe trampoline for the kids. (remember the old one with 15 missing springs) It's awesome! Tim celebrated his 33rd birthday. We spoiled him with 6 presents, (which were wrapped 20 minutes before they were opened. :P ) Because we wanted him to feel special. He means the world to us.

Jasmine's dad met us halfway in west yellowstone , and she got to spend the weekend with us!

Whenever she is here she builds forts.......everywhere. I let the kids do pretty much whatever they want when Jaz is here. I want her to feel comfortable here and have a good time, and know she has me to rely on whenever she needs anything.

Secret passage to the fort....

We rented Just Dance for the wii. Here we are getting our groove on. It's a fun game...I am thinking of buying it to be my workout 3 times a week. Jasmine is like a ray of sunshine. The house seems a little brighter when she is here. I know her brother feels the same way. There is something missing when she isn't with us. She seems to be a happy girl...all things considered.

It is bittersweet to be around her. She is one of two living pieces of my sister that I have left, and I only get to be with her a few weeks (total) every year. It's hard to let her go back to her house when I feel like she belongs with me or at least with her brother and my parents if not her mom.I am all in all grateful that I get to see her when I do. She seems to be at ease at my house and that is something I feel good about. I love her and Jordan like one of my own kids. Things could be better for them, but they could be much worse so I will take what I can get and do the best I can for them.

Kids ...

Do you write down the things your kids say that make you crack up? well you should. Start now start today! I started writing things down that Carter would say when he was about 4 and Have started with Haven as she is now 3. Kids rock! They give us perspective and make us smile.

Haven saw a black crow today squawking away., and she said. " Stop crow, I don't have any food for you......Mom he thinks I have food that I am going to give him and I don't!"

You think you will remember all these things, but you don't. I still read through Carters journal and laugh because I forgot some of the things he said on a daily basis.

I talked to my brother Jeff today and he asked how the weather was . I said "well right now its kinda warm and sunny" He said man It's cold and windy here. I said well it's about 40 degrees and he said yeah it's probably 40 here too. =) ha ha nice.

more thoughts

A song popped into my head yesterday. It was a song I haven't heard in a while but have heard a fair amount in my lifetime. Until yesterday I thought it was a love song or something. Then I started thinking of the words and boom! the familiar ache came.....when I realized what they really said...



"Over Mountains Over Trees Over Oceans Over Seas. I'll be there
In a whisper on the wind On the smile of a new friend Just think of me And I'll be there
Don't be afraid, oh my love I'll be watching you from above And I'd give all the world tonight, To be with you Because I'm on your side, And I still care
I may have died, But I've gone nowhere Just think of me, And I'll be there
On the edge of a waking dream Over Rivers Over Streams Through Wind and Rain I'll be there Across the wide and open sky Thousands of miles I'd fly To be with you. I'll be there"


I don't know exactly where I am on the stages of grief. It seems like they kind of circle around every few months. I get stuck between depression and acceptance somewhere. I am always trying to find a way to feel close to my sister, because I can't accept not "feeling" her again until I die. When I don't get any special feelings or I start to doubt it then I get worried that feeling loved ones on the other side isn't possible. Songs like this one give us hope that we can....On the smile of a new friend? on the edge of a waking dream? I hope so.
It feels kind of like a puzzle sometimes. Like I am given a little piece but I can't put the whole thing together and get the experience that I feel like I need.

It is weird to me how I can have a healthy family, husband children, etc.... and still feel so sad and incomplete without my sister. I don't get it. And you really can't "get it" until someone really close to you dies.

Not all days do I feel that overwhelming ache. And some things do make me happy, and remind me of my sister. Like the poem I wrote here . But it is also interesting how some days I will feel like it's a physical pain in my heart when I am missing her so badly.


anyways here is the song if you want to hear it, or you don't recognize it by the lyrics.
Maybe me randomly thinking of this song was an answer.....or a prompting?........

Testing 1....2...

I am trying something new. A post without pictures. Maybe just thoughts.
I am testing to see if I am posting just for my mom, or if anyone else even cares about my life besides what I post on Facebook. I know, half the friends on Fb are more like acquantances than friends. This however is a group of elect people I have allowed to view my life. LOL just kidding, I couldn't say it with a straight face.
anyways...What have i been up to lately?
well for starters today I got my hair done, and went back to brown with a few light brown highlites. I know I am always changing my hair color, but it's the only way I can stop from feeling the need to chop it off! I am totally opposite, I cut my hair going in to winter so my neck is bare, and I go brown going into summer. Usually people do it the other way around. But I haven't been normal for a long time :)
My kids are itching to get outdoors. They are jumping on our trampoline with 15 missing springs (I know accident waiting to happen) with their coats on. They are desperate! I am too.
I really am not one of those people who wake up and look outside and see snow and say YES!!!!
The last time I remember doing that was when i lived in St. George. During the winter it was warm and the sun shone most days it seemed. I woke up almost every day and said" YES! I can't belive I live here!!"
I wan't to move so badly. But reality is that I probably won't be able to sale my house for quite a while...... Maybe longer than I am willing to wait.... thinking of renting my house and getting back to sunny days THIS YEAR.
ok well I don't want this to get overwhelmingly boring.
Let me know what you think, if you check this anymore :)